8 Questions I’d Ask God: If He Existed


8 Questions I’d Ask God: If He Existed


1. What’s with man-nipples? Are they for just in case we got captured by Amazonian warrior women and needed to blend in so that we could make our great escape? I bet that’s it. Really, there’s no other reason for them.

2. What’s the deal with Salmon’s reproduction? You make them so they have to swim up stream, leap up freakin’ waterfalls, only to lay all their eggs and die. Some kind of sick and twisted joke perhaps? 

3. What’s your obsession with beetles, bugs, parasites, viruses, and bacteria? I mean, sure, they’re neat and all, but if it’s the human soul you are concerned with, what’s this obsession with insects and the like? Just a weird hobby, perhaps?

4. Why did it take six to seven days to create the world? If you’re all powerful it should have been a cinch, right? Didn’t get it right the first time maybe? Had to make a few corrections perhaps?

5. What’s with all the ugly people? There are over 7 billion people on the planet and most of them are ugos. I mean, no offense, if that’s your thing. I know beauty is only skin deep, in the eye of the beholder and all that, but it seems to me if you were a wise creator then you would have made everyone physically attractive so that ugly people wouldn’t be hurt by so much rejection and beautiful people would have no teason to be so vain.

6. If 90% of scientists and philosophers don’t believe in you and go to hell (what’s up with that anyway?) then what does that say about the quality of people you like to hang out with when you segregate 90% of the worlds intellectuals, thinkers, inventors, men of words and science. Afraid of the competition, maybe?

7. Couldn’t have made a few other planets closer by for us to travel too? Have to make everything so freakin far that we’d have to rely on the aforementioned brilliant minds to get us there? Is that why you send most of the worlds population to hell? You simply don’t want us to spread to the stars and become godlike in our own right? 

8. Why create sin, knowing people will sin, then damn them for it? Why not accept the fact that people sin, learn to forgive and forget, and let bygones be? It seems most of us do just fine without you–namely every culture, every race, every group of humans that haven’t believed or have believed in the wrong gods throughout all history–and so you’re going to trim down your chosen few to even fewer? To people who can’t think, are scientifically ignorant, and who only want to pray to the sky all day? I have my reservations on such a fetish, but to each his own, I suppose.

BONUS QUESTIONS:

9. Does it bother you that science can answer all of these questions, from social behavior of humans and animals, to the universe, to the proliferation of insects (including beetles) and, yes, even man nipples but you can’t? 

10: I’m not even going to ask you for a sign that you exist, because it’s clearly obvious that you don’t. 

Sorry, that last one was more of a statement really. But oh, well. The brevity was worth it.


POST SCRIPT

To the believer who rightly informs me that I am merely critiquing the simplistic, iron-aged, conceptualization of a Creator God and not the theologically superior God of all things, that winked the universe into being ex nihilo and that willed evolution via natural selection to be the engine of his wondrous variety of life, I only have this question to ask: What’s the use of a God that hides behind the veil of nature, that makes himself undetectable, and in all likelihood irrelevant? It seems that such a God would be a rather useless kind of deity. 

Of course, if your answer is that God wanted a personal relationship with us, please try again. It’s obvious that if the majority of the people who ever lived and died didn’t believe in your God, well, then he wasn’t a very important God and he certainty didn’t demonstrate he wanted a relationship with all those (in the billions) who died not believing. 

For that matter, why are there atheists? 

Do you really think all nonbelievers are rebel sinners? Hedonistic, do what they want, rotten to the core people who are simply in defiance of God? If that’s what you think, you need to get out more. Make a few friends. And open your eyes to the great and hard working humanists out there who do so much good without believing in God. Ever hear of Doctors Without Borders? 

If you still think my objections are juvenile and ill conceived, just know that I was a devout believer for three long decades. Maybe it’s not a rhetorical jab of acerbic criticism I am dolling out, maybe it is the hard to handle conclusion after years of deep and reflective thought on the subject. 

If you still don’t think my questions are all that worth bothering about, that’s fine. Best not to think about it too much. Speaking from experience, that’s one of the best ways to become an atheist. 

;)~ 



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